Challenge of the Trumpkins

There has a veritable tsunami of ink spilled over the current presidential campaign in the United States. Pundits both left and right have blustered over their ponies, spewing spin, and leaving the center both dizzy and nauseous. I know I grasp for the Pepto moments after I've fired up the myriad of News-tainment from the interwebs.

Now, finally we have the final two ponies in the starting blocks. This race will be a photo finish. The campaign already feels too long in the tooth, and these candidates are only halfway around the track. Their jockeys however look refreshed, and seem content to try and "big dick" each other till the bitterest of ends.

This campaign is the most derisive in recent memory. Donald Trump has gone out of his way to ensure that the legions of mediocrity and anti intellectualism have found their man. His crude, casually racist antics have attracted what is arguably the lowest common denominator of the electorate.

He's the become the savior, as he panders his way into their hearts, he's happy to remind them that he understands. You didn't put yourself into difficulty; it was the Hispanics, the Muslims and most of all, the Government. Although the details of their specific crimes are vague, as if perhaps they were merely manufactured scapegoats used to fluff the audience before the big money shot.

For all intents of purpose, I feel this election is the Titanic of political contests. The entire world is standing on the bridge, the iceberg is dead ahead, and above the whispers of "You should probably turn..." all you can hear is "Full steam ahead" followed quickly by "Rich white women and children first!!!"

Trump's campaign is fuelled by a remarkable tension with media. He loves to hate them, but needs them to stick around. (I had a booty call like this once... but that's a different story for another time.) This leader needs his modern day Leni Riefenstahl, and the news networks are doing an admirable job of obliging him.  Somehow, he's found a way to be abusive but alluring. He is the Ike Turner of presidential candidates.

Mr. Trump's armies of devoted followers are a fantastically hawkish crew, blended from only the finest collection of degenerates, white supremists, and religious hate mongers. I'm actually surprised the secret service didn't recruit an army of juggalos to be his security detail. I guess his "in house" goons will have to make do. To be fair, they've done a great job so far. Then again, his followers are happy enough to oblige Caesar when he's feelin' all thumbs downsy.  Earnestly though, I kinda want to see Trump's people spray the masses down with half gallon bottles of faygo

Lil' Donnie, as I prefer to call him now, is the beacon that will "Make America Great Again." His disciples fawn fanatically over his excitations, as if his ramblings were a modern sermon on the mount. There's almost genuflection as he rambles through his intolerant and fundamentally dangerous screed. 

Trump provides illumination to those who refuse to evolve, and legitimacy to those who hate. In essence, he is the patron saint of Douchebaggery. I can almost envision the religious icon hanging lovingly on the wall of David Duke's office. If it wasn't so serious a situation, I bet Trump would make a great Spider-man villain.

The Donald's voice is heard most loudly by those who assume might is right, and who believe that science is circumspect and lacks the same value as personal opinion. Basically, I'm talking about really stupid people. I was going to play footsie with that, but then thought "fuck it, it's my editorial..."

The anti intellectual movement (Tea Party, Libertarians, and Fundamentalists) loves this man. He's the megaphone full of their bile, he's the man that will lead America to jobs, freedom from foreigners, and forgive their complicity in scorching the bottom of the melting pot. "

"He just says what I'm thinking... Ya know?"

Trump is the GOP circus barker, replete with the finest words. He has lots of words, and he's happy to let you know it. What Trump doesn't have is a plan.

His vacuous understanding of foreign policy is offset with glib and callous assertions that he can stop ISIS by going after their families. (Which is literally a war crime...) He can deal with Mr. Putin, because he understands Russia. (He held a beauty pageant there once...) He's going to lock up America's borders. He will make America safe.

Except this man has a terrifyingly thin, mottled citrus looking skin, (It looks tangy... gross I know... #sorrynotsorry) and an incredibly vindictive nature. Giving this man keys to the nukes, would be like giving an obese child the keys to the chocolate factory. This will get ugly, this a most definitely a tipping point.

When one takes a hard turn towards domestic policy, things don't get much rosier; threats of walls on the Mexican border, and getting tough on trade are hollow at best. This is a man, who bankrupted a casino on three separate occasions, has failed at banking, publishing, running airlines, marketing beef and wine, and as it turns out land development. Which to me says that his economic plan for America is shaky at best.

I guess what I'm saying to my American friends is "Caveat Emptor"

Now before some of you get all crazed and "What about Hillary? she's a criminal..." or "Feel the Burn"

Not to worry, I'll get to them later.